Everything is Fine
by yachikins
Summary: Over the years Stiles had gotten used to hiding his problems and worries, it was easier to just deal with the pain by himself then to add to others burdens by making them worry. Sometimes he could even fool himself. Contains spoilers for the latest episode.


Stiles didn't really notice how cold he felt at first, actually no, that wasn't quite true. He had noticed that he felt colder then usual, however he hadn't really thought too much of it. Considering the season it really wasn't strange that he was cold. And since he had just gotten, well barfed up by the Nogitsune, he figured it was to be expected that he would feel a bit off. The feeling would surely fade after a while so there was no need to worry about it, he was fine.

The fact that he was currently worried about, and blaming himself for Lydia's kidnapping might have also had something to do with his convincing himself that he was fine. He couldn't afford for anything to be wrong with him right now, he needed to help save Lydia. No matter what Scott or anyone else might say about it nothing being his fault, about the Nogitsune being the only one to blame; he couldn't help but feel responsible. After all he was the one who had given in, who had allowed it back into his mind. Sure he had done it to keep Malia from being killed but that didn't change anything, he should have been able to figure something else out.

So like he often did when there was something wrong with him, he shoved it to the back of his mind and pretended everything was fine. It was an old habit of his, one he'd developed years ago after his mom had died. Back then he had decided that his father had enough to deal with already without having to worry about his son as well, so he had started hiding his problems as best he could. There ware naturally some things that he couldn't hide, like when he woke up screaming in the middle of the night or when he loudly tripped over something because he had been sleepwalking, but the less obvious thing that could be hidden, he did.

It had been painful at times to be honest, there had been plenty of occasions when he'd wanted nothing more then to run to his dad, to tell him everything and to be held safe in his arms, but he never did. For him it was easier to deal with the pain by himself then to face the things that caused it, it was easier to keep it all to himself then to add more burdens onto his dad's back.

There had been a time for a while where he had gone to Scott with his problems, Scott who was his best friend, who had always taken the time to just listen and to comfort him. Scott who had always been there to calm him down when he had a panic attack, who always knew exactly what to say to cheer him up. But then Scott's parents had gotten the divorce, which as far as Stiles had been concerned was a good thing, he'd never really liked Mr. McCall to be honest. But despite it being a good thing in Stiles mind, there was obviously a lot for Scott to deal with after it and Stiles hadn't felt right adding even more worries to the ones Scott already had, so he had started hiding his problems from him as well.

By the time that all the drama that had come with the divorce was over and Scott was back to his cheerful self, Stiles had gotten good enough at pretending everything was all right that it didn't even really take any effort to do anymore. Pretending had just become natural to him, if there was something wrong he buried it, often without even thinking. Not that it always worked of course, no matter how hard he tried to hide it, Scott had an uncanny tendency to be able to tell when something was bothering Stiles. Still, around anybody else, even his father, he was a masterful actor.

It wasn't until Scott had been bitten and the two of them had ended up being thrust unprepared into a world full of the supernatural, that Stiles had found he needed to once again put effort into pretending to be alright.

It had been harder to keep things hidden this time around, he'd found. Whether that was because werewolves could smell lies or because he'd built up too much emotional baggage over the years and there wasn't much room left in him for more... Well he'd never been able to figure that out.

He'd been lucky he supposed, that most of the time Scott had been to busy mooning over Allison or dealing with whatever 'monster of the week' was currently causing trouble, to notice when his mask slipped. Although, truth be told, in some ways Scott not noticing hurt more then anything else he might be feeling. He'd gotten used to Scott always knowing when something was wrong and being there to help him.

It wasn't like he was all on his own now, although sometimes it did feel that way, but there was no one who had ever been able to read him as well as Scott. Scott had enough on his mind though; everyone did, so Stiles had been determined to make it through things on his own.

Of course after having served as a pseudo-sacrifice it was impossible to keep pretending like everything was alright. When you woke up most nights screaming you couldn't just shrug it off, you couldn't keep pretending; acting like you were fine wasn't going to fool anyone, not even yourself.

The fact that Scott and Allison were being affected by the sacrifice as well had been a relief to him at first since it meant he wasn't alone. But then he had watched them overcome the darkness in their hearts while he continued to slowly lose his mind, and all he could think was that he was weak; not even strong enough to fight something in his own mind.

Looking back he realized that those thoughts had probably been due to the Nogitsune's influence, but at the time he could only see it as yet another reason that he was nothing but a burden.

Really though, being possessed had basically just been the icing on a triple layer cake made out of emotional baggage, mental problems and years of self-esteem issues. The Nogitsune had pulled it all together and made it eye-catching, but the problems had been building up for years.

It wasn't really important now though, he hadn't said anything but in his gut Stiles had the feeling that he wouldn't be around long enough for him to have to worry about dealing with all of his issues. That slight chill he had been feeling earlier hadn't ever faded; it had grown in fact leaving him chilled to the bone. The ache that accompanied it made it impossible to ignore anymore and though he had brushed off Scott's worry, claiming it to be only a dull ache, he couldn't lie to himself when every cell in his body seemed to be screaming in agony.

He wasn't going to be around for much longer, he was almost certain of it. And yet despite that knowledge he wasn't afraid, well at least not of dying. He would be lying if he said he wasn't afraid of leaving everyone behind, his father and Scott especially, but dying itself? No, that didn't frighten him in the least; in fact, in a way he almost welcomed it and the peace it would bring him.

He'd hang around long enough to help his friends destroy the Nogitsune, but then? Well, if death came for him then he'd greet it with open arms.


End file.
